The Battery Pack
Let's talk about Vulnerable Narcissism
The vulnerable narcissist inspires attraction from us initially. Not a sexual attraction, but one of inclusivity and belonging. They talk of community, they’re incredibly encouraging of your endeavors and ideas, and they may even give you opportunities to express your endeavors. They have built a community of support around them, and this is their way of making you feel included, welcome, and safe.
Only this is a horror movie. This is the part where the movie is all bright and sunny and everyone is smiling, but there and eerie felling in the air.
The vulnerable narcissist is a lover.
Love is their favorite word. And doesn’t that feel amazing? I love being loved. Especially when you’ve been feeling lonely, a bit low in the self-esteem department. They will swoop in and quickly become your best friend.
They love bomb. They will use “I love you” as punctuation marks instead of a feeling. Although at first, it sounds lovely. Who says “I love you” so openly and freely? Especially if you’re love starved, those words are cool breeze to the soul.
There’s a sense of joy, laughter, and inclusion. They’re super supportive, and to be honest, I actually believe they genuinely are. That support and sense of community and togetherness comes from a very real place within them.
But remember, we’re dealing with a narcissist. The shadow is strong with this one.
So that initial attraction comes with an agenda.
That love is how they keep us in debt. The love is silently transactional. They’re making many deposits, and quick. And they will cash out sooner or later.
The shadow side of community is what, class? Abandonment, good job!
They have abandonment issues, and will constantly test the other person’s loyalty. That keeps the other person in their emotional loop. As we are constantly being tested, we are in turn, silently questioning our own depth of empathy. Am I empathetic enough? They don’t seem to get that I’m here for them all the time, I need to show more affection, more love, more attention. I guess I am cold at times, they said I am, so I must be and just not noticing it. I mean, we all have things that we are not aware of about ourselves, this must be mine. So I must show them more time, more attention, more affection, more love.
Remember when I said the vulnerable narcissist inspires attraction at first? Well, that attraction from us comes from a place of pity, empathy. The vulnerable narcissist inspires pity. They create this world of woe-is-me, look how many bad things happen to me, I need help. So they somehow create a web, a community of support, but in truth it’s a battery pack. We all give them our energy, while they revive themselves and we are left depleted. They prey on our own vulnerability and wounds of unworthiness and loneliness.
Usually their lives are constantly a mess. There’s always some tragedy going on. And in true narcissistic fashion, even if said tragedy happened to someone else, it also happened to them.
I remember, in my former community, a person sadly passed away. Of course we’re all sad.
The narcissist calls me and says “ I’m so devastated about this loss. When will I stop dealing with feelings of loss? And I’m so glad you both were able to meet through me.”
Mind you, the narcissist hasn’t spoken to the deceased in about 5 years. So how devastated are you really? Also, I understand that everyone meets in some way, and they’re not wrong to say I met them through this person. However, is that the right time to make this about you?
Everything loops back to them, but in this deeply emotional way. And that leaves us without knowing where to put our emotions. The vulnerable narcissist thrives on emotional confusion.
No, it wasn’t the right time for the narcissist to make someone’s passing about themselves, but it also wasn’t the time for me to bring all that up. Especially when it’s such an ingrained shadow aspect. That conversation is much bigger than “it’s not about you”, so I ended up not saying anything back.
Not only that, but a narcissist will not be receptive to such criticism. They will lash out on you, making you look like the crazy one, and they will belittle and shame you until you’re “back in your place”.
A criticism like that is an unmasking. It’s saying “hey I see you for what you are”, and they will not respond in a regulated way.
The thing is, we are no one’s pacifiers, nor babysitters. An authentic person would understand that everyone needs a shoulder to cry on from time to time. And an authentic person also understands that everyone has their limits. Pay attention to how exhausted you feel after you leave someone’s presence. That’s a sign if they’re good for you or robbing you of your energy.
A narcissist has no boundaries. The only boundaries they have are the ones we set for ourselves.
The way to deal with a narcissist is to cut off their supply, and that is you.
Notice the patterns. Get in touch with your own sensations. Notice how you feel around them, when you’re with them, and when you’re without them.
You are not a battery pack. You are not an endless supply of life force, for anyone but yourself.
They haven’t dealt with their own issues of abandonment and loneliness, and if our relationships are mirror to our inner selves, and we’re in a narcissistic relationship, then that means we have unhealed parts as well.
You are no one’s pacifier. You are no one’s soothing balm. You are no one’s battery pack. You are no one’s warrior and savior.
All that outward attention we’re giving, needs to turn toward the Self.
They may be using us to mask the pain, but we may also be using them to mask our own.
You deserve to heal, and not be suffering silently, even unknowingly, under the abuse of a narcissist. Abuse is what got us here, and abuse will not get us out.
Self-love will. Compassion, understanding, and forgiveness, all towards the Self will set us free from abuse, and teach us that we deserve better.
Better friends, emotionally regulated relationships, and a path toward inner peace that is entirely our own, and no longer dictated by someone else.
With much love, inner strength, self-awareness, and tarot magick,
Icaro
